Degrassi: The Eli Generation
by bandaidsforemergencies
Summary: Just a short thing I whipped up with a few friends. A parody of Degrassi, inspired by the record amount of fans that one Degrassi character, Eli Goldsworthy, has acquired.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi in any way, shape, or form.**

**A/N: This is the work of a few friends having a laugh. Yes, we watch Degrassi, and no, we don't mean this to be taken too seriously, so chill! Review?  
**

"Well, Eli," said the producers of Degrassi, "it seems that a lot of our fan basis now is just tweenaged girls who like Twilight, who probably get off on your appearances on screen So, from now on, we're changing the whole basis of the show; it's going to be all about you!"

If you listen really closely, you can hear the squeals of fangirls all over the world.

* * *

Eli arrived at Degrassi, in his amazingly dark and sexy hearse. He pulled up to the front of the school, where KC was standing.

"I'm on valet duty for your hearse today, Eli!" shrilled KC, "Look! I get screen time! Maybe I'll get enough money this time to feed my family!"

Eli laughed, super-sexily, "Oh, KC, you so crazy. You have no real family; your mom is still a crack whore and your ex-girlfriend, who is pregnant with your child, gets sexy with me! In fact, I get sexy with every girl in this school!" He stepped out of the car, revealing his uber-sexy body, covered in sexy black clothes.

KC's eyes lit up with glee. "Everyone! Everyone, look! He talked to me! Eli Goldsworthy really talked to me!" KC promptly fainted into the crowd surrounding the sexy hearse.

"Bummer," Eli said, "Who's going to park my car? I can't do it myself; I'm the star!"

Mr. Simpson ran up, jittery from the butterflies in his stomach. "Mr. Goldsworthy, sir! You can just leave your car there! We're so glad that you came! Come in! We love you, Eli! Sign my penis, please!"

Eli smirked that sideways smile, and a few thousand fangirls fainted. "I'd love to, Simpson, but my penis signing pen is at home. See ya."

"Wait!" called Mr. Simpson, "I have a penis signing pen in my-"

Just then, Riley appeared from behind Simpson, and promptly bitch-slapped him. "Mr. Goldsworthy said 'See ya.' **Leave his presence, fool.**"

Simpson ran off, scared, but still with girlish glee.

* * *

Eli slowly, but still very sexily, walked into his only class: English. Clare was sitting in her usual seat, looking eager to speak to Eli. They were love interests, after all. He got to his seat, which he sexily sat in.

"Oh, Eli, I'm so glad we're in a steady relationship!" Clare said, while drawing pictures of their wedding in her special Eli notebook.

"Yeah, me too. It's great that we're going out, and I still get to bone all of the other Degrassi girls." Said Eli, while receiving sexts from Holly J.

"Oh, Eli, you're so super mega foxy awesome HOT!"

"Um, cool. Listen, I gotta go; I'm meeting Anya in the Boiler Room for some awesome radioactive sex. Sav said he'd pay $50 to watch. Later."


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Don't get your shorts in a wad, I don't own Degrassi.**

**A/N: Sorry, if I insult any Swedes. Read and review!**

"Okay," the Degrassi producers told Eli, "Girls are swooning like crazy at your glorious, heavenly visage, but we need to give you some oomph, some _depth. _So...pretend you killed your old girlfriend, so that Clare can nurse your broken soul. Cool?"

"Totes."

* * *

Eli walked into English class (sexily, of course), five minutes late.

"Well, well, well, Mr. Goldsworthy," Ms. Dawes started, "You're late to my class. You're lucky that you're raising our ratings, or else I'd have to pop a glock on you."

"Sweetness."

"Anyways, I'm assigning a convenient video project of the uber-romantic Shakespearean play, _Romeo and Juliet. _Oh, and there's going to be a kissing scene. And Romeo has to be played by a dark, mysterious, handsome, green-eyed student. Who drives a hearse. And his name rymes with 'Zeeli.'"

"Oh, oh, is it me?" asked Zeeli, the new exchange student from Sweeden.

"Zeeli, leave the class. I don't care that you invented Ikea, we have no place for the _Swedish,_" she sneered.

"Aw, man!" He left in a huff.

"If I didn't know any better," Eli said, "I'd think you'd be talking about me." A few dozen fangirls (along with some pedophilic old men) catapulted themselves towards the window of Ms. Dawes' room.

"Good, we've figured that out. Now, for Juliet, we need a blondie, short hair, blue eyes, and 100% virginal."

"Ooh, ooh, that's me! OMG, I'M THE LOVE INTEREST! SWEETNESS! At first, I thought there was going to be some gay stuff between Eli and Adam!"

"I wouldn't completely give up on that idea," said Adam, winked at Eli.

"Oh hey, where'd you get that lollipop? And why are you licking it so sexually?" asked Clare.

"Check the slash fanfiction about me and Eli. Sooooooo hot."

And everyone became uncomfortable, and it was awkward, so Adam was cast as the cameraman.

* * *

Clare and Eli were doing their video projects, with Adam watching.

"Bla, bla, bla, I'm hot and sexy and girls love me," said Eli.

"Bla, bla, bla, we're so forbidden, bla, bla, bla, something about poisoned soda," said Clare.

"Oh, hey, lets make out," Eli winked at the camera for the fangirls and Adam.

They started making out, hot and heavy, then Eli was like, "Oh, gotta go keep some secrets from you."

"NO, ELI, COME BACK!" yelled Clare, but he was already gone.

* * *

Adam and Eli sat in the hallway.

"Eli," Adam said, "you have to tell Clare your secret. You have to tell her that you really did cut a bitch, who happened to be your girlfriend."

"No." Said Eli, flatly. He was still sexy, though.

"Bummer. Anyways, I'm going to go be a boy."

When Adam left, Clare came running up.

"Eli, what's up?"

"Okay, Clare. Once, I killed my girlfriend. But I swear to god, only one time!"

"Oh, Eli, I CAN HEAL YOUR WOUNDED SOUL!"

"Awesome." And then they made out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.**

**A/N: Hope you like it? Review, please!  
**

Eli was sitting at home, enjoying random morning sex when suddenly, he remembered that he needed to check the mail.

"Oh, hey. I need to check the mail." He got out of bed, sexily, and walked outside. He came back inside with a trashbag full of letters. After dishing them on the counter, Eli began reading them.

"Fangirl, fangirl, fangirl...gosh, I am _so _popular...oh look! A letter from the producers!"

He sexily opened the letter and read the contents.

* * *

_Dear Sexy Eli, _

_ We realize fully that your place on Degrassi is vital to keep our viewers. Unfortunately, we can't just have you sitting around, acting sexy. So, we're going to give you some depth. _

_ While eating hotpockets one night (totes delish, btw), we tuned the TV to TLC, which has this great show called, "Hoarders". It's of these people who like collecting trash and stuff, but in their own house. Like classy garbagemen. And it's a type of PTSD. So, since your ex-girlfriend died (total bummer), we're going to make you a hoarder. _

_Love and butterfly kisses,_

_Degrassi Producers_

_

* * *

_

"Hey, Eli," said Clare one day in English class, "My parents are getting divorced. Wanna have sex?"

"Normally, I'd say yes, but I'm supposed to have morals or something on this show. No."

"Wah! My life sucks! My parents are getting rightfully divorced, and my boyfriend won't have sex with me, just because I have a purity ring! I should try and break into his house! Hey, Adam, lets go to Eli's house!"

"Well, this should go against all of my ethical beliefs, but whatever! _Let's do this thing!_"

* * *

At the door of the Goldsworthy household, Clare walks, not sure of what'll happen. Adam rings the door, and out pops a middle-aged man, smoking like a chimney, followed by a dozen hookers.

"Oh, erm...don't tell my wife?" said Mr. Goldsworthy.

"Yeah, no way, just let us into Eli's room! Super important!"

"Really? I mean, Eli locks his door, and he doesn't want anyone entering, and his room is really sacred to him after his ex died, and I really don't think you should be invading his privacy, and..."

"He needs his english homework!"

"What _what? _Why didn't you say so?** Get in here!**"

So Adam and Clare walk in and go to Eli's door. But...oh no! There's a lock! So then Adam went, "Alohamora!" and the lock breaks!

"Wow, Eli's room is a mess! _This _must have been why he didn't want to sleep with me!"

And Adam said, "You too?" And things got awkward.

"I'm leaving now...um...yeah."

"Nobody likes me! Maybe I should try to swoon the prettiest girl in school!" Then he pulled out a picture of Fiona out of his wallet and he got hard. Except he's only a dude between he ears, so his brain got a boner. Yeah, that just happened.

* * *

So, when Clare got to school, she cleaned Eli's locker, because that's how obsessive stalker girlfriends _roll. _When Eli got up to his locker, Clare had a grin on her face, only it wasn't a normal grin, it was kind of like when Spongebob figured out that Squidward liked Krabby Patties. Yeah, she goes hard.

Anyways, Eli opened the locker, and it was clean and shiny and sparkling and GODLY, like Clare!

"The fuck...?" And Eli frucked (the past tense of freak) out. Everybody stared, but nobody really did anything, because the students of Degrassi are apparently really passive.

Clare ran, Eli went dumpsterdiving, and Adam was swooning over Ms. Coyne. Things are pretty bad, at this point in time.

* * *

"Clare," said Mr. and Mrs. Edwards, "we're fosho getting divorced. But the good thing is that we're going to abandon you in this house!"

"Really? Yipee!" And she danced and sang and then she said, "Oh, wait, my boyfriend thinks I'm a creepy psycho. Damn."

_And then the door rang._

Eli came in, sexily, brooding with emotions that both plants and fungi can't even **comprehend.** "Clare," he said, "I am a hoarder. Yes, I can even make _hoarding _sexy."

And they made out, and Clare's parents got really uncomfortable from the hot and heavyness radiating off of them.

* * *

Off somewhere else in Degrassi, Adam and Fiona were talking.

"Well, Adam," Fiona began, "I'm going to completely ignore the fact that you have rediculous mood swings, you carry around tampons, and your boobs stick out of your shirt. You are 100% man in my book, and I think that we might be together some day..."

"Really? Sweet! I'm going to post this on my tumblr! _A girl really likes me! And it's not just my mother! Or Drew!"_

_

* * *

_

Back in Eli's room, because somehow they teleported there, Clare was sitting on Eli's bed, while Eli was trying to clean his zoo of a room.

"Um, Clare?" Eli asked, "There's a lot of junk in my room, and it's gonna take, like, forever to clean it...Seriously, why are you even here if you're not going to help?"

"I thought you wanted emotional support?"

"Yeah, but...get the hell up! Why do you think we kept you on Degrassi, so you could sit around all day watching me clean?"

"Ugh. Fine."

So they started cleaning, and it was all nice and good, until Mr. Goldsworthy came in the room and said, "Hey! You know what I like doing? Having sex. Sex is good. You should try it!"

So they did, only it was off-screen, so no one _really _knew if they did it or not. But he totally tapped that.


	4. Chapter 4

**Anyone else watch the Degrassi mid-season premiere? I did! And I'm glad that Degrassi stayed true to it's roots of teenage drama.**

**However, while I sat there, on a Friday night while eating crazins with a group of rowdy pals (Hi Paul!), I wondered, "Where's Eli? Where's Clare? Why aren't they broken up by now? And why is Adam wearing that cardigan that makes him look like a girl?" By the way, did anyone catch that cardigan he wore when he was walking down the street with Eli? I feel like I'm the only one. So, in light of Adam having a schweet plot line, I've decided this to Adam, my main she-man.**

**Oh, and also, I want to thank everyone that favorited and subscribed and commented! Every time I get an email notification, I kind of dance from happiness.**

**This is a really long A/N. Anyways, enjoy!**

**Also, I don't own Degrassi. Just thought I should throw that out there.**

**

* * *

**

"Okay, Degrassi crew," said the producer, "I feel like we should definitely mix up the plot lines a little. Feature someone new."

Everyone was super excited, except Eli, who couldn't make it to the meeting because he was sexily banging twelve girls _while _fixing his car. And no, we are not going to cut to that.

"We're thinking we want someone who has lots of problems..."

"Oh my god!" said Dave, "He's talking about me!"

"...Someone who has a steady group of three friends..."

"It's me! I'm the new feature!" Dave jumped up and down in excitement.

"...Someone who has problems with girls..."

Dave was so happy that he began crying. "I knew it! I knew my day would come!"

"...and someone who is transgendered."

"So it _is _me! I'm so honored! And you other Degrassi-ers can just suck my..."

"Adam."

"Motherfuuuuuuuuu-"

* * *

No one's ever going to love me, Eli," sighed Adam, "I mean like, even Fiona didn't come to my party that was last year but we're still talking about it like it happened last week."

"Oh, Adam," said Eli, "Bummer."

Then, Fiona came in and was all, "Hi, Adam!" And Adam was all, "Hey, bitch-who-didn't-come-to-my-party-which-was-so-bangin'-by-the-way," And Fiona was all, "Huh?" And Adam was like, "Nothing. Hey, you should try out to be the leading lady for the play that I just made up to get in your pants!"

So, Fiona goes into the theatre to try out for the play.

"Bla, bla, bla, I didn't memorize the lines because I was too busy drinking, something about domestic housewives?"

And in the back of the auditorium, Eli stared at Adam who was staring at Fiona and he said, "Ooh, you _like_ her! You _loooove _her," And Adam was like, "Pshh, what? It's not that obvious," And Clare walked in and said, "Adam, I just thought you should know that there's a bulge in the front of your pants, and you don't even have male genitalia."

So Fiona was like, "How'd I do?"

And they all said in unison, "You got the part!"

* * *

Later that night, Adam goes to Fiona's house.

"Hey, Fiona! I was just thinking, because I'm the leading man in the play, and you're my lady, we should like...rehearse! The kissing scene!"

"Oh, good idea! Because, you know, two people who barely know each other should _definitely _stick their tongues in each other's throats!"

So, as they were about to get all freaky on each other's faces, Adam goes, "Oh, by the by, I'm transgendered. Hope that's cool."

And Fiona, while drinking a bottle of champagne, because somehow, even though she's underage, she's able to get booze, says, "Yeah, totes! I mean like, I lived in New York! And y'know, New York has like, a lot of gay people, I guess...seriously, writers? I'm fine with it because I'm from _New York_? Ugh, whatever. C'mon, lets make out."

And then they were mackin' on the couch. And I'm not going to lie. Kinda hot.

* * *

Holly J dropped off Anya from her date with Dr. Hotman (how could he not tell that she's jailbait?) and went to Fiona's house for no reason in particular, but off the record, they were probably going to mack. Am I the only one who saw that potential since the beginning?  
Anyway, she walks in on the Fiona/Adam love-attack, and was like, "Oh, hey...so that happened."

And Fiona got up and was all stumblin' and fumblin' and said, "Hey, Holly J, I'll kiss whoever I want!"

And Holly J told Adam, "She only kissed you because she's wasted. But, y'know, it's all good. Just make sure that you escort her to the bathroom when she has to hurl."

Holly J leaves, and Adam says, "Sure, she's drunk...with _love!_"

**I'll put up the 2nd part later, I suppose!**


End file.
